Happy in Your Home and Dojo
On Rumiko’s and my 31st wedding anniversary, a young friend asked for advice on how to create the happiest home possible with a life partner. This sort of thing is not my special knowledge power area; after 31 years I still tell people I was just very fortunate in getting the wife I did – that was the grandest sales job of my life.
But I did promise to give the request my most sincere consideration.
Napoleon Hill (a classic read, still valuable today) wrote that choice of spouse is one of the most important determinants of your future success. From watching and observing so many people over my decades, I would say it might be the most important thing that determines your level of success in life. If you have brilliant knowledge and skill in the marketplace but are anchored down by a miserable private life, it will be almost impossible to set sail.
Your home and the people you share it with are supposed to be your refuge, your safe haven of recharge and regeneration, your lounge of warm support and boardroom of cool collaboration. In all the best ways, you are a team of the heart.
Some of my friends tell me their home is not a refuge and not a safe haven for them. They lack a partner who sees and supports who they are and what their gift is and what they are destined to do and become. Their partners actually make them feel guilty for being who they truly are. And yes, a few of my friends are actually the problem in the home themselves; home is not a haven because they do not know how to tune in to others and do not know how to express properly what they need.
If you are spending more time working out knots and smoothing out disruptions in your home than you are solving problems out in the marketplace, your market endeavors are bound to produce the diminished results that come from reduced attention and distracted effort. If you are inspired by high ideals, wining a battle in the marketplace is called advancing the welfare of all; winning a fight at home is called breaking everybody’s heart.
Building and maintaining a warm and happy refuge of a home is much harder for young couples today than it was in my grandparents’ age, I believe. It seems that our culture no longer supports and expects happy homes. My observation is that our society actually prepares individuals to expect disruption and discarding; when things become even mildly displeasing, others encourage us to “do what makes you happy” (usually means take the easiest way to bail out of a difficulty) as opposed to “do the best thing for yourself and all involved” (usually much more demanding of attention and effort, and so more difficult and discomforting).
Any relationship will have its difficult moments, even the relationship with yourself. Have you ever let yourself down? Have you ever done something that just was not your best and felt bad about it? Have you ever said something that you regretted because it was not the best expression of who and what you are, and wished you could have re-done that moment? Have you even been so tired or distracted or stressed that you were less polite and encouraging to a loved one than you wished you had been? Have you ever looked less than your most attractive? In spite of those times, are you nonetheless still a good person who wants to do his or her best? Of course you have to answer yes.
Now take a deep breath and ask, “If I cannot always operate at tip-top best shape, why on earth am I expecting others I to do for me what I cannot always do myself?” Give ’em a break now and then.
My number one suggestion when it comes to happy home life is to pick your partner wisely. Do not let convenience or accident make the choice for you. Know what you are looking for. If you do not know what to look for, see suggestion three below.
My number two suggestion is to want to enjoy happiness more than you want to have things be a certain way. Want to be happy. Look around and find what is right and happiness-inducing about the people in your home, as opposed to obsessing on “wouldn’t it be nice if” conditions that are not going to happen.
My number three suggestion is to find a person who lives the life you want to live, and then convince them to be your mentor, and then follow their advice without argument, especially when they suggest you do something in a way you would not usually want to do it.
I also make those same three suggestions when people ask me how to get more out of their martial arts training. Pick your art and school wisely, focus on what is good about your training, and do not argue with a mentor who knows how to do what you do not know how to do.
14 comments to “Happy in Your Home and Dojo”
This is so insightful and Good to hear from the two of you. Thank you you for this. So often I feel we forget that our martial and spiritual lessons need to flow into all aspects of our life. You taught us the GO SHIN BO years ago and only now are the full significance of its power showing. I remember thinking these concepts are too simple to have any power but you told us to let it sink in. The more I looked through the eyes of the Goshinbo I realized the impact of my choices on the world around me. One of those choices is my wife and how I interact with her EVERYDAY. I will never forget you saying” I see her for the first time everyday” You truly are a valuable mentor to those of us who listen. Derek
This is some great advice. I hope your message reaches many lives, and that they take the information to heart. Thank you for sharing your years of wisdom.
John
Very well put. Your post gave me pause to consider my own family and how fortunate I am (am yes a good salesman too). And I greatly appreciate the guidance concerning mentors. It pays to be reminded of these things even if you think you already know.
Martial arts, and marital arts 😉
I’m only just embarked on that particular (second) path, and already finding your words only too true (plus, I also have the example of my parents, who’ve been married for even longer):
We bicker, we have misunderstandings – and we look on the bright side, see how we support each other and fit together well, including when we have differences and find that it can be difficult to share life with another person. Whenever I say it’s difficult with my significant other, the next thought is “actually, it’s difficult for me to live with myself sometimes…”
Whether things are going easy or not so easy, we know that we’ve decided to be together, and will work any kinks out. I very strongly second that this attitude seems the most important. Choose wisely, but also know that there is not going to be the perfect partner out there – you yourself are far from perfect! So, find the right (or right-enough) person, one who also decides that you two fit together, and also has the attitude that you’ll be together and work things out. They will.
All the best!
Congradulations and warm greetings, Kind Sensei! I have feelings of comfort and that the world is in right order, knowing you have lived such a wonderfull life with such an equally extraordinary mate. Thank you for your many blessings and treasured contributions to my own life and the lives of so many others. You ARE appreciated, admirered, and respected above all other Americans!
Your home and the people you share it with are supposed to be your refuge, your safe haven of recharge and regeneration, your lounge of warm support and boardroom of cool collaboration. In all the best ways, you are a team of the heart.
Some of my friends tell me their home is not a refuge and not a safe haven for them. They lack a partner who sees and supports who they are and what their gift is and what they are destined to do and become. Their partners actually make them feel guilty for being who they truly are. And yes, a few of my friends are actually the problem in the home themselves; home is not a haven because they do not know how to tune in to others and do not know how to express properly what they need
THAT RIGHT THERE IS BEAUTIFUL AND WHAT IT IS ALL ABOUT IF YOU DONT UNDERSTAND THIS YOU NEVER GET IT.. BEAUTIFUL MY FRIEND!!!IM GONNA COPY AND PASTE THIS MOVE OVER DR DREW!!!
THANX
IAN
I agree with everything you said. Dianne and I celebrate our 40th anniversary this year and I attribute much of the success to the first two items on your list. I decided that in those times when we disagree it is better to be happy and not try to force “winning” the argument. That may feed my ego but it does not enrich my happiness. I wish you and Rumiko all the best.
40 years! Going for the record, you two! Congratulations, Brent and Dianne, and as always, thank you for your warm support and encouragement.
(Special note to my younger friends: Brent deMoville is the man who first coached me in the power of the computer as a means of promoting my teaching and writing in the world. Yes, we have been friends that long!)
Congratulations Steve and Rumiko. You two still make a great looking couple. I miss training with you guys. I hope you have at least another 31 years together. As usual your wise words are comforting and give me pause. Keep up the good work!
Happy Anniversary, and thanks so much for the wise and heart-felt words.
Happy Anniversary, and thank you always for the kind, wise words you always find to say, or write. I struggled with my marriage for two years and although it didn’t work, I learned a lot from the experience. I’d say communication is ohh so important and can not be taken for granted. It is important to find someone the dreams your dreams and likes your likes. Kindrid spirits stay together longer than spirits with different wants and needs. Congrats Sensei and many years of happiness left ahead for you to enjoy.
Happy Anniversary to you and An-Shu Rumiko! Your love and commitment is an inspiration to many.
Congratulations to both of you! I’ve only seen you (both) at the 1989 Tai Kai in (NY) Sommerville New Jersey. What a long time ago… Read the books and still practice when I can. It has helped me in my work. Glad to see the one who brought Ninjutsu to the west doing well! Hope to visit Dayton, Ohio one day.
There is a saying in spanish: “Mejor solo que mal acompañado”. It means, “Better to be alone, than with bad company”. That is my current predicament. Still, I do long to find a partner that will mesh with me to create the harmony that I seek. Good advice, thanks!